Because there just isn’t enough media attention and industry self-aggrandizement and self-flagellation over the ads that aired during last night’s Super Bowl, I present my own reviews. Every ad from kick-off to the final whistle, not counting some sweet local spots or movie previews.

To view the ads, check out iFilm’s Super Bowl ad section.

First Quarter:

1. Ford: F-450 Superduty – Ford spent a lot of money producing and airing this spot. Too bad it doesn’t hold a candle to the Toyota Tundra campaign that’s been running for the past couple of months. And those were cheap to shoot, to boot. (The ones they ran during the game are new and a bit pricier.) Plus, Toyota’s spots have all the attitude Ford had hoped Mr. No-Name-Square-Jaw would be able to deliver. Sorry. Next!

2. Anheuser-Busch, Bud Light: Rock, Paper, Scissors – Nice to see AB avoiding the flatulent horses of Super Bowls past. Simple with a violent twist, it made everybody in the room laugh.

3. Doritos: Guy Hits Girl with Car – This was one of a couple spots produced by Doritos consumers. Not a horrible spot, by any means, but here’s the problem: The only other guy at the party who knew this was consumer-produced is also in advertising. Everyone else just thought it was low rent.

4. Blockbuster Online: Mouse – I admit, I have a bias against Blockbuster going in. But still, bringing back the rabbit and gerbil for a little rodent torture was the best they could do? Actually, compared to last year’s spot featuring a talking head with floating graphics, this is gold. Assuming Blockbuster has its own, internal ad awards. Which I can see happening.

5. Sierra Mist Free: Beard Comb-Over – Funny. Both in the “ha-ha” and “weird” sense. The cut-off jeans at the end were a little too Will Ferrell circa 2001, but still funny.

6. Salesgenie.com – The first truly massive clunker of the night. Looked like they pulled it straight off its normal 1-3 a.m. time slot and threw it up into the Bowl. Wow. It-came-from-the-80s smarm, sex appeal and business practices. Good times. Only not.

7. Sierra Mist: Karate – As flat as their previous spot was funny.

8. Toyota Tundra: Braking to the Edge – A well-produced execution of a tired concept: using quasi-realistic settings to demonstrate real-word automotive abilities. Whatever. Still more memorable than the Ford spot, though.

9. FedEx: Moon Office – Pretty good. Not as good as last year’s Caveman spot, which I thought was one of the best, but still well done. Good calls on using Europe’s “Final Countdown” and smacking the guy with the asteroid in homage to last year’s spot.

10. Anheuser-Busch, Bud Light: Wedding Auctioneer – Again, funny. Just not anything you wouldn’t expect A-B to run during any other sporting event.

11. Snickers: Accidental Kiss – Could’ve been dumb. Oh wait, it was.

12. Schick Quattro: Lab Tests – Too much Schick, not enough Miller Lite Dick. And I don’t think it was a new spot. Slackers.

13. Chevrolet: Ain’t We Got Love – Yes! A montage! Wake me up when it’s over.

14. Anheuser-Busch, Bud Light: ESL Class – Very funny. Sure it angered somebody out there.

Second Quarter:

15. GoDaddy.com: Marketing Dept. – I really don’t like GoDaddy.com or their spots. This one actually would’ve been okay if their peek into the marketing department hadn’t just been a rehash of their Girls Gone Wild past. And what’s Danica Patrick doing in there? Consider yourself tainted, young lady. Let’s face it, when the company’s logo is a mild caricature of the owner and when said own is an egomaniac bent on tweaking the FCC for his own amusement, well, it gets old.

16. Coca-Cola: Grand Theft Auto – This might have been the first time this spot has aired on broadcast TV. I’ve already seen it several times in the movie theater. I dig it. More importantly for Coke, my wife digs it and she has no idea what all the references are to. Now that’s value.

17. Anheuser-Busch, Budweiser: Fake Dalmatian – I really liked this spot. The winking at the other dog towards the end seemed a bit unnecessary, but whatever. Still a nice spot. And I still won’t drink Bud.

18. Garmin: Power Rangers – A real love-it-or-hate-it spot. I loved it. But I also watched “Voltron” a lot growing up.

19. Careerbuilder.com: Jungle No. 1 (Darts) – I liked this whole series of spots. Very well produced and sadly close to the reality of the modern office. But if they take Monk-e-Mail down, I’m going to rage out.

20. Doritos: Check-out Love – Another consumer-produced spot. A touch creepy, but still better than at least half the spots on this list. Are you listening, Ford?

21. Chevrolet, Chevy HHR: Shirtless Wankers – Wow. A bunch of truly unattractive men stripping down to spontaneously watch a car real car guys don’t care about. I hope to never see this spot again. Yet it will undoubtedly haunt my nightmares for years to come. I need to go watch “1984” to cleanse myself.

22. Anheuser-Busch, Bud Light: The Slap – For anyone whoever thought the fist bump was just a touch on the dumb side, this is your spot. Funny, funny stuff.

23. BeatYourRisk.com: Beating the Heart – What was the deal with the cheap nametags on the villains? Anyone? Still better than the impending Flomax commercial by a factor of ten.

24. GM: Suicidal Robot – Great spot. Great direction. Too bad you have to spend this much money to convince people your cars won’t fall apart.

25. Sprint Wireless Broadband – I hereby declare a moratorium on fake-disease-cured-by-your-product spots. Unless there are supremely funny. Which this wasn’t.

26. Lays/Doritos/Tostitos: Black History – A spot that only alludes to the fact that the head coaches of the Bears and Colts were the first Black coaches to coach in the big game. Very well done. Proof that understatement often speaks the loudest.

27. Coca-Cola: Coke Side of Life – Great spot. An elderly fellow in a rest home (Nicholas Coster, whose face you’ll recognize) has his first Coke ever. Feats of derring-do ensue. Well written, direct, edited, composed, whatever. One of my faves.

28. Chase Bank: ATM – You have a lot of ATMs. That are fast. Great. Next.

29. Acura: Dreamer – I like Acura and still consider this a colossal waste of money. Well, not on the Supertramp song, of course.

Prince destroys all memory of Britney with Aerosmith.

Third Quarter:

30. E-Trade Bank: Bank Robbery – Well done spot. Wish they would’ve used masks of former U.S. Presidents as a subtle salute to “Point Break,” but we can’t have everything.

31. Coca-Cola: Coke Machine – Another animated spot that first appeared in theaters. Very fun.

32. Anheuser-Busch, Bud Light: Gorillas – Funny, but not as funny as their earlier ads. Perhaps why it’s on during the 3rd quarter.

33. Revlon: Sheryl Crow Not Fade Away Tour – If you won’t fade away, will you just go away? I like Sheryl Crow, but this was dumb.

34. Careerbuilder.com: Promotion – Still in the jungle. Still funny. Especially the Post-It Note suit of armor.

35. Taco Bell: Lions – Can’t beat both a reference to and a voice over from the great Ricardo Montalban.

36. Van Heusen: Our Man – Next.

37. Toyota Tundra: See-Saw – Like the earlier spot, not very original, but very well done.

38. Emerald Nuts – Robert Goulet: Maybe even weirder than the Garmin spot. Wish Goulet had been more mischievous. Or played by Will Ferrell.

39. T-Mobile: Wade & Barkley – Wow, didn’t see that joke coming from 1973.

40. FedEx Ground: Mr. Jerky Neck – Hahahahahahahaha. Simple. Almost stupid. Sweet.

41. Naitonwide Insurance: K-Fed – Good spot. I’d be envious, but I have no desire to get Fed-Skank on my person.

42. Anheuser-Busch, Bud Light: Serial Killers – AB must assume people are pretty toast by now and it’s okay to send in the second-stringers.

43. Mitsubishi Outlander: Out Everything – I hope this was a local buy. Old spot that mimics Mitsu’s campaign from three or four years ago. Only with less style. Is Donny D still schlepping this stuff?

Fourth Quarter:

44. Anheuser-Busch, Budweiser: Crabs – Whu-huh?

45. Prudential: Rocks – Mmmmmm, sleepy. Is it the chili, queso and hot dogs or this spot?

46. Honda CR-V: Burnin’ Love – Yeah, you should get some ointment for that.

47. HP: Orange County Choppers – Well-produced, but the whole concept behind this entire campaign just leaves me bored. And I still can’t figure out the point behind the “something wicked this way comes” fontography.

48. Izod: Whatever – Why bother?

49. Anheuser-Busch, Budweiser: Shula vs. Jay-Z – In this game, everyone’s a loser.

50. Flomax: Prostate Bikers – They bike. They urinate. Life is good. This spot is not.

51. E-Trade: One Finger – This spot actually got better as it went along. Could’ve used a bit more wackiness in the opening examples of finger usage. Hmmm. Maybe not.

52. Honda: Gas Pumps – “Hey! Let’s head out to the salt flats and make a slalom course out of vintage gas pumps! You know, like a metaphor!” “I dunno”¦” “We’ll get to fly in a helicopter!” “Sold!”

53. GoDaddy.com: Marketing Dept. – Repeated revulsion.

54. Snapple Green Tea: Monk – Gee, never seen this before. I swear.

55. NFL: Good-bye – This is concept that won the NFL’s fan-pitch-a-spot contest. Nicely directed by Pytka (I know, shocking). A decent spot overall, but not the most original idea.

And there you have it. I think Coca-Cola, FedEx and Careerbuilder.com fared the best. Anheuser-Busch had some nice stuff, but their misses pulled them down a bit. The Lay’s “Black History” spot is also deserving of praise.

It seems that most people, even those not in the industry, always complain about how bad the spots are every year. Truth is, that’s always been the case. A few good ones surrounded by a bunch of junk. The trouble the last couple years has been that no single spot has really stood out and made people say, “Now that’s a Super Bowl ad!” No E-Trade monkey (in two separate years), no Careerbuilder.com chimps (hmmm, I see a trend), no one-time-only spots like for the Nissan 300Z Turbo or, of course, Apple’s “1984.”

Well, get over it. There’s always next year.

Later,

Fox