I’ll admit up front that I’ve never been much for “the summer beach read” – a practice that involves selecting something from the Nicholas Sparks section of the syrup aisle, plopping one’s mankini’d bod in a lounge chair and shutting off the noggin for hours on end. Maybe it’s because I’m a pasty diabetic who gets pinkified by 40-watt light bulbs. Or that I grew up smack dab in the middle of America where the word “beaches” just evoked flashbacks to a bad Bette Midler movie. Maybe Jimmy Buffet frightens me despite his promise of cheeseburgers in paradise.

Regardless of my personal proclivities with regards to beachfront literature, I am here to serve. It’s really a calling, to be sure. Not from God, of course, but from my editor. And so it is my deep, deep pleasure to bring you some more wholesome, holier suggestions for your sand-based Kindle fun. Or, as the kids say, less Fabio, more Samson. You know, with the hair and the pectorals and the…never mind.

So, follow the following schedule and you’ll be guaranteed at least one full day of biblical beach-going blissfulness assuming a lack of wedgies for which neither I nor the aforementioned editor shall be held responsible:

Morning Devotions – If you really want to start a day on the beach right, position yourself for a good glimpse of the sunrise (use an iPad app if you’re on the west coast) and crack open your Ryrie to Job. Then set that pain nugget aside and fire up Genesis Chapter 1 from “The Message.” When read aloud, this more poetic take on creation is guaranteed to bring forth dolphins jumping over rainbows while hugging puppies. Also, it doesn’t once use the word “firmament,” which sounds like a rejected name for a Tic Tac competitor.

Mid-Morning Snack – Even a lazy day spent gathering carcinoma seeds can use a little action, a little adventure, a little more sizzle. So turn, if you would, to chapter three of my middle name. Here we find a tale of deception, loyalty, fidelity, retribution and barbecue ripe for the full Michael Bay treatment. Imagine a fiery furnace powered by nuclear lasers and capable of frying the world’s entire supply of bacon in one shot. With Donald Sutherland as Nebuchadnezzar and Bruce Willis as retired police detective Shadrach Makain.

Afternoon Tea – Take a break and sing. Sing a psalm. Sing out loud. Sing out strong. But tuck away the KJV and sing U2’s version of Psalm 40. And if you select just the right conch shell, you can do a passable impression of The Edge’s guitar. Seriously. It’s what Coldplay does.

Evening Respite – Let’s be honest, it’s hard to hang out at a beach – any beach – these days and not have your sunset serenity interrupted by Pamela Anderson getting married for the 473rd time. But instead of cursing the almost-darkness, let the doomed nuptials inspire you to read John 2:1-11, wherein Jesus turns water into wine at a wedding in Cana. It was the Lord’s first recorded miracle, and what he did saved the bride, groom and their families from unheard of embarrassment. Perhaps if you start praying now, He will do the same for Pam. Oh, too late.

Moonlit Musing – When the night has come and the sand is dark, your Kindle Fire may be the only light you’ll see. And that means it’s time to feel the groove and crank up a love song, as in the Song of Solomon. This short book is the closest thing to a Jackie Collins novel you’ll find in the sacred text, only it’s all kinds of okay and biblical because, well, it’s in the Bible. And you want to picture Solomon as looking like the guy who played Thor in “The Avengers” (also, “Thor”), I cannot stop you. Although your husband might not appreciate it.

Then, as the tide rolls in or possibly out, you can curl up on your blanket, warm yourself with the glowing embers of discarded “In Touch” magazines and gaze in wide wonder at God’s creation. You know, in the firmament.